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There’s no chill and yet I shiver |
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we all question what life is all about and what our future is.... nobody knows its a question we cannot answer, all i know is that i am not afraid of death, its nothing we should be scared of, as we go to our familys who have passed and we get to watch over our familys who are living in this world and not the after life. We are all put on this earth to learn and understand ,once we have done these things which we have been put on this earth for we will pass away with a smile. Just like oliver. Oliver passed away with a smile as he had done everything he could within his life and learnt that life is short but he lived it well and did everything he wanted to do, and he can now sit and watch me, mum and dad miss him, make mistakes, and laugh. We all get older but that is what life is all about, we make mistakes so that we can learn from them, if we didnt get older then we wont/wouldnt of met half the people we know today who are so special in our hearts. Im going to grow old gracefuly and if my time has come to die today tomorow or the day after that day or even in 50 years! i will always know that i have so many people who i love who have shared some happy times with me and that i have lived my life happy. Dont get me wrong i miss oliver so much! i have cried every night before i go to sleep because i have so much pain in my chest which i call heartache. greiving can happen in so many ways, people can just lock themselves in there room and never come out, they can drink and smoke themselves to death, they can waste there life away by doing nothing, but there is nothing wrong with crying! even though write this down i know that i have a problem with crying about oliver in public! i like to do it in my own time, in my own way. My immune system has gone FLAT im really poorly i have a chest infection sore throat head cold, you name it i have it, i think my body is telling me to REST!!!! oh and by the way i have to take 4 steriods every morning for like a week lmao! im gonna be like POPEYE! HEE HEE! I havent stoped to be honest i am always on the go! which is not healthy but i wouldnt have it any other way! i have stayed in bed all day even though i hate it! i have watched american beauty which is just weird but good! i have not eaten much cause cant be botherd to be honest, i have drank alot of ribena! and i have stayed in my pj's all day AGAIN! theres no point getting dressed im not going anywere! i look awful anyway lol. so yep im just having a rest weekedn which i need even though i have no choice but to work im working tomorow bit only for 3 hours but its just the smoke argh its a pain in the ass i cant wait until that law comes in about "you cannot smoke in public area's anymore" i think that starts 1st of july WOOOO!so for all you non smokers out there we have a less chance of getting lung cancer and bloked arterys even though life is a bitch and you can still get it anyway without smoking! but what can you do? I miss my friends alot even though i havent seen them in like 3 days but i havent seen emilja for like 2 weeks i miss her arse and charlotte i need to see her arse to! laura i havent seen in like 3 weeks! i miss her being a gorm around me! i miss nicola because i need a giggle and a random chat, GEMMA WERE ARE YOU? i havent seen you in like 4EVA! we need to meet up this easter BREAK! brad has just gone walk abouts? ross is just there lol i always see him lol i have no choice! lol! This whole single status of mine is starting to get me down but then again i keep stoping in my tracks saying i would hate to have a bloke right now because they just piss me off! always wanthing attention all the time! argh i just avent got the time! im waiting for lincoln and there speical atribute to the male population! even f that makes sense? lol i just use these long ords and i dont even know what they mean! thanks nicola lol! anyways im off downstairs to have a gorm! Love p.s this has got to be one of the longest posts i have done i apoligise if i doesnt make sense and if there are spelling mistakes i cant be ARSED! actual arsed? lol |
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Elphie now that were friends ive decided to make you my new project! "you really dont have to do that" i know thats what makes me SOOOOOO nice :) its not about aptitude its the way your veiwed, so its very shrewed to be very very popular like me HA HA |
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Keane: Bad dream its my birthday next week, im not looking forward to it, i dont want a birthday i just want oliver back |
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well im off to london soon for my drama school audition on friday its at 1:30 at guildhall! fingerscrossed init! hopefully oliver will be with me! i can do this! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx |
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 Amy WinehouseLegend He left no time to regret Kept his dick wet With his same old safe bet Me and my head high And my tears dry Get on without my guy You went back to what you knew So far removed from all that we went through And I tread a troubled track My odds are stacked I'll go back to black We only said good-bye with words I died a hundred times You go back to her And I go back to..... I go back to us I love you much It's not enough You love blow and I love puff And life is like a pipe And I'm a tiny penny rolling up the walls inside We only said goodbye with words I died a hundred times You go back to her And I go back to Black, black, black, black, black, black, black, I go back to I go back to We only said good-bye with words I died a hundred times You go back to her And I go back to We only said good-bye with words I died a hundred times You go back to her And I go back to black |
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New Year, |
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I know that on here some people may not know who need to know this..... |
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I bet your wondering how i have had time to write on this! well sometimes i need time to reflect and get out of hospital air. just had abit of a cry for the first time this is because i will wake up with my mum go downstairs and no presents under the tree no little brother running dpwn the stairs to anoy me, no dad taking fotos of me in the pjamas when im knackerd not having christmas dinner together. Christmas is just another day in this house now. i would rather have oliver healthy then have a christmas tomorow. How can i enjoy christmas when my brother is on a hospital bed with a oxygen mask on his face and up his nose not being able to breath properly and he cant even talk!just going to have to make the most of it. Its going to be the last one i spend with him anyway.  Ollies birthday  Me and ollie in lapland! Merry christmas everybody Have a good one <3 |
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Its the christmas show tonight and i have to sing to songs your daddys son and silent night theres just one thing! I FEEL LIKE SHIT! ACTUAL SHIT! i think im getting the flu i dont wanna lose my voice im going to lapland tomorow and i feel poorly :( |
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i am going to copy other people and do that post were u get all soppy about your friends ha ha! this is in no order! Laura Machine <3  I used to hate you when i was in year 10 and 11 lol i used to think you was a snobby cow who used to stick her nose up at everybody! but you are the complete oppisite! i love you so much you have become the bestest friend ever! i wouldnt be the same without you at all! we have only known each other for 3 years but to be honest thats long enough lol! i know you inside and out! and without a doubt u always make me laff! u have got to be one of the most funniest day dreamer ever! and thats why i love you! u never get anything which makes me laff but then again im exactly the same! LMAO! thats why we get on so well! i love you. Emilja Machine  well when i moved up here i was the "new girl" who you hated lol! but then u began to like me because you actually found out that i wasnt a snobby cow and that i was one of the biggest clowns out there! we have been best friends since year 9 :) and i have always loved you! we always fall out and then make up and then we fall out and then we make up! it doesnt matter how big the argument is we always end up as best friends again! which is just weird but this proves that we are together as fate! you are very funny especially now you have found the true meaning of wine LMAO CURLS ha ha! No boyfriend is good enough! i hate them all! ha ha i get my mum on to much! our friendship will never die :) i love you Charlotte Machine  Well i used to hate you to with laura HA HA! but ever since we started 6th form you became one of the bestest friends ever! yes we have arguments and make up and yes we had a huge argument and just started talking again! this doesnt mean that i dont love you anymore its far from it! i love you to much! and yes you are one of the biggest geeks i have ever met along with laura, emilja and jade ha ha! GEEKS WILL NEVER DIE! you make me giggle with your cool hair colours its pink and then purple next blue? we will never know because our charlotte is unpredictable thats why i love her! she is far from boring! she is amazing! love you Jade Machine  jade im sorry but this is such a classic foto! i had to do it lol! jade me and you have had our ups and downs deffo but i still love you from this day! you are one of the biggest geeks i have ever met and thats why your so funny! you are so organised and you get stressed over little things which also makes me giggle lol! even though i am very guilty for it as well lol we dont see much of each other anymore but i know that youa re thinking of me and im thinking of you! and it is always lovely to see you :) i love you lots xxxxxx The Famous Clique  Nicola Machine  well i used to hate you as well! you was always the threat between me and joel! and to be honest i dont even know why! because you are my main drama geek and you have changed my life alot ever since we became friends. you have got to be one of the biggest drama geeks ever u even kind of beat me ha ha. u make me laff so much and that u make a brilliant wicked witch ever. and even a wicked queen! i never thought we would become so close and i have to thank drama for this! i love you so much i dont think you actually understand how much you mean to me :) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Gemma Machine  i do apoligize for the picture this is another classic ha ha! i love you so much and i dont think u understand this! i always take your advice because it is either very good or just funny! i never thought me and you would become friends because i didnt think you liked me lol! i was totaly wrong and the fact that i am like my mothers twin maybe thats why we get on so well! i will also remeber that conversation on the courthouse! u are amazing for just listning to me moan lol and cry! but you took it so well and u didnt give me any sympathy you was just good old gemma and we even laffed about it! i love you so much xxxxxxxxxxx Joel Machine  well we have alot of history and i dont think i have alot of time to talk about it lol! but i will always love you as you was always here for me! we didnt talk for 3 months and i thought i lost the best thing in my life. But your back now and everything seems to be comming together! i am always here for you morning or 12 at night. you always have a place to stay within this house! you still make me laff with your geeky jokes and the way you laff and your joeks when there not funny LMAO! i love you to much xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  Oliver you are my brother and i love you so much even though i never really say it because come on i m your sister and who wants to hear there sister say that they love you lol its cool come on! even though i know you wont be here next christmas i will alway treasure this moment with you. You make my life complete and without you i dont know what im going to do but i am going to be so strong for you because you are the strongest person i have ever met! i still havent cryed infront of you and i will never! u make me laff with your personality it is so funny! and even though your body is giving up slowly your soul isnt. i love you so much xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx |
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OK i think it should be update time..... havent updated in a while so i think it may be time! sooo yea this week we did all the shows to all the primay schools it went really well and the kids loved it! ha ha! i like seeing children smile and laugh at our crap jokes and our immaturity of the play hee hee and they even got the Keith joke :P (no offense to anybody who knows anybody named keith) lol i miss my drama geeks already, because im so used to seeing them like everyday! i especialy miss nicola pants! she just makes me smile everyday :) but she has me all next week as well ha ha because of wizard of ozzzz! Rehersals are tomorow and its dress rehersal so i get to wear my gorgeous, well its not so gorgeous at all but my lovley dorothy dress lol! i have the sparkly red shoes so thats okay. I am poorly poorly went to the doctors on friday and he said that i am very run down and that i need to rest and not take on so much! and that i get stressed to easily i need lots of sleep as well! but i just cant sleep one bit recently! so i am on Penecillan and those cold and flu capsules from lemsip :P i cant drink them because they make me feel poorly poorly sick sick :( yesterday we went to Ollies hospice to look around because we got the bad news that his chemo isnt doing him any good and that it is doing him more worse then good! Ollie keeps going into the hospital because he keeps catching stuff, so the Doctors said for us to find a hospice he can go to because he can get more help there! so we went to rainbows hospice which is in Loughborough i cant spell it lol! It is amazing! its very quiet and peaceful, when you go in its just like a huge home there is a arts and crafts room a music room 7 bedrooms for the children and upstairs is parents accomadation if we stay as well,there is a jacuzzi and great bathroom, alos there is a cheif so she cooks there meals everyday! Ollie loved it! its a great place, but i have to say half of me was probaly really ill that day because its not a place you would randomly go, I didnt sleep much the night before, its sumthing i was dreading to go to! i didnt go to work because i felt like poo so i stayed in bed and watched wizard of Oz, and also had the biggest shock of my life. Not because that it has happend but the fact that she is a sick bitch for putting it all over the internet as if its a mind game! she seems to be very weird and mentaly unstable! I saw Joel today we was meant to be meeting to go to nottingham but because i was poorly he came to mine and it was so nice seeing him again missed his ass alot! Went to get my christmas tree today:) and joel was helping my daddy pick them up and was even getting involved wit the argumenst which ones were better lol! we chose one in the end it was 8 ft lol! bloody huge! got some fotos which are quite funny! ha ha! we went back to mine had cheese and salad cream cobs a cup of tea and a mince PIE! lol actual pie :P me and joel had a good chat and im glad that he can tell me everyhing instead of feeling insecure! he told me everything! and things are becoming clearer! me and joel went downstairs to find out that my dad had actually borke our tree! LMFAO and he had to go and get another one! i have just gone downstairs and i have seen it its okay i spose i can live with it! it smells like christmas in my living room now! but im still not ready for christmas! it doesnt feel like it! i havent done any christmas shopping at all i cant be botherd! anyway im off love you all i miss laura/emilja/charlotte/jade/nicola/Gemma/r    |
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I am looking forward to Wizard of Oz next week :>:> |
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*Verse 1* Good night my angel time to close you eyes And save these questions for another day I think I know what you've been asking me I think you know what I've been trying to say I promised I would never leave you And you should always know Where ever you may go No matter where you are I never will be far away *Verse 2* Good night my angel now it's time to sleep And still so many things I want to say Remember all the songs you sang for me When we went sailing on an emerald bay And like a boat out on the ocean I'm rocking you to sleep The water's dark and deep Inside this ancient heart You'll always be a part of me (Musical Bridge) Do do do do... *Verse 3* Goodnight my angel now it's time to dream And dream how wondeful your life will be Someday your child will cry and if you sing this lullaby Then in your heart there will always be a part of me Someday we'll all be gone But lullabies go on and on They never die that's how you and I will be (the song is on my myspace) its my song to my brother |
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well, this week hasnt been to bad i must say, Went to see Jackell and hyde from masque it was crap lol! not only were the main singers crap, the chorus were crap and also the choregraphy were crap! GOD! im not joining them! im not in the band anymore because i cant work with sam we just clash to much and to be honest i never wanna work with him ever again! he is an attetion seeking prick! LMAO I got my dress for O Factor its beautiful its black with netting underneath so it comes out :> im getting nervous about the whole drama thing i hope it goes well :S we just need to sort out the whole last scene of fighting! work was dead last night maybe people are saving up for christmas! not to sure :S Ollie is getting worse and its horrid, i dont know what to do with myself! ive been crying alot about it recently and its not like me! he isnt eating or anything! his throat has swollen up so miuch! but he is off his chemo for 2 weeks so he should perk up again! we are just praying that he is with us for christmas. He really enjoyed our fireworks lol! he even had to sparklers with the help of me because he is abit shakey!  love him to much! |
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(Velma) Whatever happened to fair dealing And pure ethics And nice manners? Why is it everyone now is a pain in the Ass? Whatever happened to class? (Mama) Class. Whatever happened to Please may I And Yes thank you And How charming? Now every son of a bitch Is a snake in the grass Whatever happened to class? (Velma) Class. (Both) Oh, there ain't no gentelmen to open up the doors, There ain't no ladies now there's only pigs and whores And even kids'll knock you down so's they can pass Nobody's got no class!!! (Velma) Whatever happened to old values (Mama) And fine morals (Velma) And good breeding? (Mama) Now no-one even says oops When they're passing their gas (Both) Whatever happened to class? Class. Oh, There ain't no gentelmen that's fit for any use, And any girl will touch your privates for a deuce And even kids'll kick your shins and give ya sass Nobody's got no class! (Velma) All you read about today is rape and theft (Mama) Jesus Christ, ain't there no decency left? (Both) Nobody's got no class! (Mama) Every guy is a snot (Velma) Every girl is a twat (Mama) Holy shit (Velma) Holy shit (Mama) What a shame (Velma) What a shame (Both) What became of class? such a true song |
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i am going to see chicago within london and i have the best tickets i am also going to meet the cast after! one of these people plays roxy heart and it is ashlee simpson! im so excited! i cant breath! |
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People.... Update time i think so! Quite alot has happned actually in the past few days but thats a good thing :) Less than a week is when my cast comes of my leg! thank goodness! counting the days! lol! Going to my home town on thursday, London here i come! woo! i cant wait to leave here for abit i need to get out of this shithole for a while! need to see my friends and family! the important things in my life. Its my cousins 10th birthday and she is a having a princess party hee hee! so that should be exciting for her! i will have to deal with Jodie who is 5 her little sister telling me to do her makeup :P On Friday im going to covent garden with my london girls which should be a right larf! Il come back with such a southern accent again lol! so i apoligize now with how mixed up i will sound! My Drama school things have come through the post and i have tryin to decide which beasts im going to try for! Mr C has a email for me from bill who is a drama school Geniuse! so he is gonna give me some tips and some monologes for my audition. My singing is going really well! amy just makes me laff when she gets in! me and her are a right pair within the morning! Saturday night was pretty interesting! Not only was i with my main girls but it was with pizza Hut "Stuff Crust" , some wine, dont drink to much of that stuff! the calories are atrotious (were not lanbrini girls) It's usualy red wine time. We looked after Oliver so my mum and dad could actually get out of the house! and we watched wizard of oz ha ha! we decided that the tin man enjoys the oil going on him a little bit to much! Close your eyes at that scene and you will understand lol! Went to emilja's that night and we had a proper gorm and then laffing fits and then gorm lol!It was nice to talk to as a group again i missed it lots and lots. It well weird that she is living in Lincoln :S I do miss her, but she comes home like every weekend so it may be time just pop my head round her door and say hey! i cnat wiat to come up to lincoln with laura loo and just crash at emilja's lol! she is gonna show us the pubs which are so worth drinking in lol! It was nice talking to Joel on the phone yesterday,pleased we can actually have a grown up conversation over the phone and pleased that he still cares about home situations. unless your within my situtaion you have no idea. I have actually found out that it is amazing how so many people have changed around me, for the good and for the bad! and i think its because they have found the certain freedom! Drinking until you cannot see properly everyday and forgetting that you pay a certain amount of money to go to university and not really bother as much within your course is not sexy because it isnt as if uni is cheap! even if the person is :>. "miaow"! LMFAO [NAMES NOT INSERTED] Who can you trust these days? Nobody! |
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I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH SAM HOLLAND, THEN,NOW OR NEVER WILL. Will the prson please get there facts right ::> I have enough shit as it is then hearing about my so called sex life with sam holland! everybody loves abit of drama and yes for all you Joel Evan Lovers, He knows i havent so if you think im a bullshitter ask him yourself (sorry joel just had to put that:)) |
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nicola and meee :P
Me steph and my boys :)
